The starting point (VII of VII): Who am I, and why do I keep having children?

    My fourth major concern is my memory, or lack there of. I ruled out a career in politics early on when I realized I am abysmal at remembering names, although I must admit that thought of Sarah Palin running for President has made me reconsider. For the life of me, I can’t recall the plot line of most movies I have seen. Beth reassures me this is normal, but she has been bringing up that we should obtain long-term health care insurance with increasing frequency! All of this would be a bit more humorous were it not that my mother currently resides in an Alzheimer’s care facility in Tampa, Florida where she has been since the ripe old age of 67! I have cycled through daily ibuprofen, daily aspirin, vitamin E, and ginko, but invariably after taking anything for a while I run across new research that debunks the benefits and points out possible detrimental effects. Beth encourages me to do mind games to stay sharp, but I suck at crossword puzzles, get bored with sudoku, and fall asleep when doing brain teasers. To make matters worse, when I did have that head CT for my headaches, the resident who initially reviewed the CT noted some “mild” atrophy. Fortunately, the final report did not confirm this, but I admit I am too scared to look into this further! I, of course, have assumed the worst. I figure I have another 15-20 years before senility sets in.

            Do I have any other medical concerns? I am ashamed to admit there are more. My right shoulder appears to have some form of rotator cuff tendonitis that leads to soreness after activities such as basketball or throwing a ball. I periodically get pain in my left groin region after sporting activities. I have diagnosed myself with a lower abdominal muscle strain, but its failure to fully improve after prolonged periods of inactivity has led me to a sneaking suspicion that it may instead be a hernia (basically my intestines protruding through a weakness in my lower abdominal wall). I repeatedly give myself a half-hearted physical exam to search for the tell-tale bulge of a hernia that is more obvious when coughing or bearing down. I can’t clearly identify any such bulge, but as an internist, I remember missing a few small hernias in my patients that the surgeon was able to pick up. A hernia!?! A true sign of old age!

            Last, although not really a malady, I am overly fertile. My wife is reeling from the effects of 3 young boys, ages 10, 8, and 3. She is too stressed to reliably remember to take “the pill” and therefore she often refuses to be in a closed room at night with me for fear of becoming pregnant again. She has of course requested that I get “fixed”. I, of course, do not feel that I am broken; therefore, I have done my best to delay this inevitable procedure. Why you may ask… I do not desire any more children, but I do have a reluctance to entrust “my boys” (and I don’t mean Connor, David, or Thayer) to a surgeon. My friends reassure me that having the big “V” is really no big deal, but I know otherwise. I have the memory of one patient whom I cared for in North Wilkesboro who had developed an infection at his vasectomy site. The result was that he was hospitalized, and his scrotum was left open for daily dressing changes by the young nurses while he received IV antibiotics. One exposure like this is enough to force any man to think twice before having a vasectomy. I suggested to Beth that we try herbal remedies to cure my sexual potency, but when I last checked, the door to our bedroom was still locked.

            Now that I have chronicled my maladies in excruciating detail… here is my plan. First, I will make an appointment with an internal medicine doctor for a full check-up. We will see how the “modern” medical experience goes. Thereafter, I will begin my exploration of the “dark side”. I plan on systematically trying different “alternative” medical modalities for my various complaints. My sister, Amy, has brought up the point that if something works too well then my exodus will come to a quick end, and I won’t have any material for my planned book. This is a risk I am willing to take. I figure if the experiment goes too well and all my ailments are cured then sacrificing writing a book is a small price to pay! I am fairly confident that it will take a while to solve all my problems, and if they do resolve, I need only to play a few games of basketball to discover some new problems. This is where the journey begins.

[stayed tuned…next week, a visit to the Naturopath]