Titanium Heals All

Have you ever wondered about those necklaces worn by major league baseball players?  Have you also noticed little leaguers wearing them as well?  Am I missing out?  I have heard the necklaces are made of titanium and have special healing properties.  Just recently, one of my good friends and his family were visiting from Ohio.  His thirteen year old son, an avid baseball player, was wearing one of these necklaces.  He claimed to be free of all joint pain since he started wearing the necklace.  Strange - I don’t remember joint pain being a major issue as a child.  My interest piqued, I searched “titanium necklace” on-line.  I learned titanium necklaces “balance the bioelectric current of the body and heighten its abilities.”  “It also has a healing ability that increases the condition of the body.”  Maybe this explains the long career of New York Yankee Derek Jeter.  Despite turning forty this summer, he continues to pound out the hits.  A titanium necklace sounds perfect for me.  Since I turned forty a few years back, my Yin and my Yang feel out of whack.  Maybe a titanium necklace will bring them back into equilibrium.  I could certainly use some of those “special healing properties” for my aching knees, back and shoulders.  Perhaps if it fails to improve my pains, it will at least raise my batting average.

I decide to stop at a local sporting goods store to purchase my very own titanium necklace.   I doubt they will be hard to find.  Sure enough, I find several varieties of titanium necklaces hanging on the display near the check-out aisles.  I chose a Phiten titanium necklace, the same brand endorsed by Jeter.  I plunk down forty dollars.  Not cheap, but if it cures my aches, it will be worth every penny.

I commit to wear the necklace at all times for the next two weeks.  That Saturday afternoon, as I wear my new jewelry around the house, I can’t help but feel kind of cool.  Maybe I have reclaimed my surfer roots.  The last time I wore a necklace, I was in high school in Gainesville, Florida.  Of course, wearing a gold chain and a tank top, or “muscle-T”, in Florida is standard attire.   Although I don’t mind wearing the necklace around my family, I wonder if I will feel differently when in public.  I am a well-respected doctor of course.  I don’t want to impair my street cred.

Over the next week, I periodically assess the status of my aches and pains since I began wearing the necklace.  On the evening of the second day, both of my knees are sore as a result of some intense roller hockey with my boys.  I want to take some ibuprofen, but I decide against it.  I want to give the necklace a chance to work its magic.   By day number seven of the titanium trial, my surgically repaired left knee is aching more than ever, my back is sore, and I still can’t lie on my left side at night due to shoulder tendonitis.  I had hoped that at least my shoulder would get better since it is very close to the titanium.  I also have been very headachy this week.  Of course, lack of exercise due to daily rains and a deficit of sleep due to my children might also be to blame.  At the midpoint of the titanium experiment, I don’t appreciate any benefit.

Additionally,  I have become increasingly self-conscious about the necklace.  I normally pride myself on not being swayed by the whims of fashion or the court of public approval, but with my necklace on, I feel like Don Johnson from the 1980’s television show Miami Vice.  I even think some of my friends are embarrassed to be seen with me.  Perhaps unbuttoning my shirt down to my navel and while exposing the necklace on my hairy chest while waiting to be served at a restaurant had something to do with it.  Despite my friend’s reaction, I do think the waitress was impressed.

While at an Asheville Tourists baseball game with my father, the necklace led to a discussion regarding the benefits of titanium.  My father was heartened to learn of titanium’s healing properties.  He then reminded me he has two artificial hips made out of titanium.  He says he still suffers from many of the maladies of old age, but he could only imagine how bad things might be if it weren’t for the titanium.

As the two week experiment comes to a close, I decide I should try my hand at some batting practice.  My back still aches and I have a new pain in my calf from playing soccer, but surely my hand-eye coordination must be improved.  As I step up to the plate while wearing my titanium necklace, I channel my inner Derek Jeter.  I have laser focus, and my reflexes are heightened.  My son throws the first pitch, and I take a mighty swing…

To see what happens check out:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYpE6K1uMc8&feature=youtu.be

Next week…I return to Elk Mountain and Red Bull is put to the test.