It
is Sunday afternoon. I survived the week
of “preparation” which leads up to this week’s UltraSimple Diet. I awoke this morning with a sense of relief
that I have made it this far. Unfortunately, my relief is coupled with a sense
of dread regarding the week ahead. With
some difficulty, I eliminated all caffeine and processed sugars from my
diet. Early on, in an attempt to soften
my caffeine withdrawal, I substituted green tea for my morning coffee, but by
mid-week, I jettisoned the green tea. Although
it has a bit of caffeine (equivalent to a half cup of java), it was not worth
suffering its bland taste and the nausea it induced. I have not been perfect. God forbid, I had a turkey sandwich on wheat
bread for lunch one day, even though this was a double violation - processed
meat and a wheat product. By and large
though, I have been faithful to Dr. Hyman’s instructions. I certainly would have enjoyed a beer or two
after some particularly trying days at work, but I abstained. Now the heavy lifting begins: the cleanse.
First,
I must give thanks (or perhaps blame is more appropriate) to my wife. She is making this cleanse possible. Not only is she going through the process of
detoxification with me, but she has done the majority of shopping and the initial
food preparation for this coming week.
Looking over our bill from Whole Foods reminds me that “health food” is
not cheap, at least not at this time of year. Earlier in the summer, we likely could have
purchased most of the veggies at a farmers market, but as we move into fall,
the selection of inexpensive produce has diminished. The bill for a bunch of veggies (that I
typically abhor), rice protein powder, and flax seed is over one hundred
dollars. Even more appalling to my penny
pinching sensibilities is that these expensive, unfamiliar vegetables (radish
root, winter squash, kale, chard, seaweed) are the key ingredients of the
UltraBroth which is a staple of the UltraSimple Diet. Preparation of the UltraBroth entails cooking
these veggies in a large pot of boiling water for sixty minutes and then
discarding them and only keeping the broth. My goodness! I am not sure if I am more shocked by the
waste or relieved that I don’t have to eat the veggies. The end result is a pot of yellow-grey “broth”
which resembles dishwater in both appearance and taste. I can hardly wait for my 2-4 cups a day.
Although
we have barely started the UltraSimple diet, I can already tell it will not be
so simple. Fortunately, one area I don’t
have to worry about is having regular bowel movements. Dr. Hyman, author of the
UltraSimple diet, devotes several pages of his book to the merits of frequent
stools and the horrors of constipation. In
fact, according to the UltraSimple diet, if one has failed to have a bowel
movement by ten o’clock in the morning, they are supposed to take an herbal
laxative. I chuckle when I bring this to
my wife’s attention. It is already
eleven in the morning, and she has failed to go. I see a laxative in someone’s near future. On
the other hand, I have absolutely no worries about meeting the ten o’clock
cut-off. Ever since my time in Ghana,
West Africa, I have multiple loose stools every morning. I kid my boys that I am infested with
intestinal worms which I picked up in Africa. For all I know, it may be true.
Breakfast
consists of some lemon juice in water followed by an UltraShake. The shake is basically a water-based fruit
smoothie. It contains a blend of
non-citrus fruit, rice protein powder, flax seed, and water. The flax seed gives it a not so palatable
odor, but it is drinkable. I tolerate
the shake, but I yearn for my normal weekend breakfast of coffee, eggs, toast,
and orange juice, with bacon on the side.
Around ten in the morning, I am ready for my standard mid-morning
snack. Instead of my usual energy bar, I
have a cup of UltraBroth - ouch. After a
lunch of bland sautéed veggies over brown rice and some leftover UltraShake, I
am downright cranky. This week is going
to last forever. My nightmares will be
full of UltraShakes and UltraBroths.
Fortunately, there is one part of the UltraSimple Diet that is not so
bad . . . the UltraBath. A long soak in
a hot bath with Epsom salt, baking soda, and lavender oil is something to look
forward to. I might just drink the bath
water when I am done, or would that be UltraDisgusting?
Next week . . . Detox completed.
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