The John of God Crystal Bed

            Let the healing begin.  I escape from work for an extended “lunch hour” to go on a “crystal journey with Michele.”  I have a lot of unanswered questions about crystal healing and in particular, the John of God Crystal Bed.  Who is this John of God?  How does one become “of God?”  Even Pope Francis isn’t referred to as “Pope Francis of God.”  This John guy must have some powerful juju.  What about this crystal bed?  How does it work?  If I stare at the crystals, will I burn my retina?  These and other vexing questions beg to be answered.  Hopefully, I will have the answers soon.  I pull up to the Appalachian School of Holistic Herbalism - A.S.Hol for short (just kidding).  The school is located in an old, two-story house.  Michele, garbed fully in white, meets me at the door.  She guides me to her office on the second floor.  The room is a repurposed single bedroom which now has two chairs, a side-table, and the main attraction - a raised massage table with seven colored lights hanging over it.  These “crystal lights” are suspended over the bed by a pole with seven extendable arms.  The walls are spartan with the exception of three framed 8 X 11 pictures:  one is a picture of John of God whom I recognize from Michele’s website; the second is some unnamed Saint (probably widely recognizable to most, but not to me); and, third is a pastel of a Buddha sitting cross-legged.

            I take a seat across from Michele.  We exchange a few pleasantries, and she asks how I heard about the John of God Crystal Bed and what I hope to gain from the treatment.  I truthfully say I came across her establishment on-line, and I have an interest in traditional Indian therapies.  I tell her about my recent Ayurvedic experience.  The tie between crystal therapy and traditional Hindu healing is awareness of chakras - energy points on the body.  She smiles approvingly. Michele then explains the Crystal Bed process.  She agrees with my decision to only receive thirty minutes of therapy since I am a first timer.  “You never know how it will impact you,” she says.  She wants to be sure I am safe to drive myself back to work at the end of the session.  This leads me to wonder what I am getting myself into.  Are the lights really going to make me feel different?  Perhaps they are lasers that will be molding my body.  What type of mind altering experience have I signed up for?  I notice my heart rate increasing.

            I decide to ask a few more questions.  “Who is John of God and what does the crystal bed have to do with him?”  Michele says that John of God is a spiritual healer who is famous for his paranormal healing ability.  He has healed millions by channeling different spiritual entities which use him as a vessel to perform both visible and invisible surgery.  Michele visited John of God in Brazil.  He identified her as someone with a gift for helping others.  The John of God Crystal Bed provides a long distance extension for his healing.  As a “trance medium” and distance healer, he is able to cure people from far away.  She encourages me to watch a video on her website which shows an interview with Wayne Dyer on Oprah.  Apparently, John of God successfully cured Mr. Dyer of leukemia, despite being a continent away.  Michele says she is not exactly sure how he does it, but she has given up trying to find an explanation. “The results speak for themselves,” she says.  She tells me about a woman she treated with crippling arthritis, who, after a single crystal bed session, regained use of her arthritic hands.  Others have reported sensing angels in the room while lying on the bed.  For others, she says the impact is less dramatic, but most report a positive impact although it may be delayed for several days.  It all sounds pretty impressive.  I am ready to begin.

            I lie fully clothed on the table.  Michele lines up the seven crystal lights with each of my chakra points.  She then covers my eyes with a towel and turns on some soothing background music.  She tells me to focus on one or two things I hope to achieve - these can by physical or mental.  I choose to focus on becoming a better father - maintaining calm when dealing with my oldest son’s quirks and compulsions, and being less overbearing with my middle son.  I will let David determine his own fate in hockey.  At times, I am too much of a “tiger dad” – pushing my son too hard to excel.  The second goal I center on is to heal my bothersome left shoulder.  I aggravated it while kayaking, and for the past several months, I have had to limit my athletic endeavors.  Michele gives me a few moments to identify these desires in my own mind.  She then has me take a few slow, deep breaths.  She dims the lights and steps out of the room. That is it.

            After lying still for several minutes and feeling relatively sure I am not being watched, curiosity gets the best of me.  I lift the towel off my eyes and give the John of God Crystal Bed a closer look.  The crystal lights appear to be little more than blinking plastic bulbs.  They remind me of Christmas lights.  I reach out and touch one - plastic, not warm, cheap. I do my inspection stealthily.  What if Michele is observing my movements from outside the room and bursts in to expose me as a spy?  I inspect the lights for a few more moments.  With my curiosity satiated, I pull the towel back over my eyes, lie back, and enjoy thirty minutes of peace. 

            Thirty minutes later, Michele returns.  She has me take a seat in one of the chairs, and she brings me a glass of water.  She asks if I am okay to drive.  “Yes,” I say.  After a few awkward moments and after reassuring Michele that I am have my wits about me, I write a check for thirty dollars and make an exit.

            What do I feel?  Nothing . . . absolutely nothing.  I certainly didn’t sense any angels in the room or commune with John of God.  Physically, I feel no different.  This point is driven home while reaching in the car to put in a CD and feeling the familiar twinge of pain in my shoulder.  Was it a waste?  It is too early to tell.  I will give it the next couple of days to see if I appreciate any changes.  I am not holding my breath while waiting for dramatic results. At the very least, a thirty minute siesta in the middle of a work day is always welcome and may be worth thirty dollars in its own right.  If my desire is to merely take a noontime nap every day, I might as well move to Mexico. 

Next week - Asheville’s Crystal Salt Cave